3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
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genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
brian had himself a morning…
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
What about a To-Don’t List?
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
