Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Changing my voicemail to “Please don’t call me, I don’t use my phone for that”

[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12

Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.

[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t

*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw

Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!

me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s

my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot

When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.

Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door

Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no

My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.

My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE

I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’

My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?

How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???

What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.

Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear

My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow

I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”

Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet

Waiter: Dessert’s on me.

Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?

Husband: *choking on a Dorito*

Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?

It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..

Sunday Family Dinner:

Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?

Me: Isn’t that your third husband?

MIL:

M:

MIL:

M: Gravy?

Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.

Who wore it best? #Oscars2015

If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.

excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because I cheated on you

wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen

the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os