Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.

Me: You can’t fire me!

My circus boss: Just get in the cannon

Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.

Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”

Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?

hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead

PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog:

The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.

God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers

Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.

Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.

Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!

Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?

Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.

WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.

I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”

A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.

Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies

the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”

One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.

I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters

I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.

Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING

I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!

pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do

When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.

*acts sassy*

*flips hair*

*walks into a wall*

What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!

I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.

I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.

It feels like the right time to invest in the guillotine industry.

Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this

Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*

The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!

I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure