Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
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“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
So I just found out those stick figures on the back of cars are not to keep track of how many pedestrians you’ve hit,i will be removing mine
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
choose your gary
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Brutally honest? I’m always honest … I guess the brutality would depend on your level of aversion to the truth