@LurkAtHomeMom

3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?

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@sucittaM

Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.

@drinkcherrycoke

So I just found out those stick figures on the back of cars are not to keep track of how many pedestrians you’ve hit,i will be removing mine

@WHEREISWALTJNR

I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.

@Tmoney68

In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”

@ErinChack

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

@brennadine

Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.

@shariv67

Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.

@marebytes

Brutally honest? I’m always honest … I guess the brutality would depend on your level of aversion to the truth