@LurkAtHomeMom

3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?

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@trevso_electric

The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.

@KylePlantEmoji

I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.

@peachesanscream

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

@StellaGMaddox

My daughter wrote, “I will see you every day of our lives,” on my Mother’s Day card, so I guess we’ve resorted to threats now.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at train station]

Cashier: May I help you?

Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place

@HoldinCoffeeld

When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.

@jctwritesstuff

So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?

@tigersgoroooar

If you want a Christmas card from me, message me your address and pray I die and get reincarnated as someone who gives a shit what you want.