3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
![]()
You Might Also Like
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:![]()
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”