3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
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🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
There is no “we” in chocolate.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.