3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
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Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”