3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
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A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay