Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?

Xanax.

There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.

[Patient room]

ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell

Pass gas, not judgment.

People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides

my boss: here’s your raise

me: thanks

my landlord: he was talking to me

Customer: can I pay with my phone?

Me: no we need dollars

TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.

First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.

Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.

The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.

“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.

Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.

“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries

Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’

My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them

Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’

This used to be a real country.

Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be

I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

bros in the example zone 😭

no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them

Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.

Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.

Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*

Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.

Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.

Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.

Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!

Me: No, that’s just God crying.

*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*

*puts on winter boots*

*trudges through newly fallen legos*

I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.

a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition

I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.