3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
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today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Saturday
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”