Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg

KILLER [burying me alive]:

ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.

KILLER [calls the police]:

You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke

The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.

-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive

You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?

-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.

I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.

So who’s the hero now?

Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*

Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something

And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much

me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?

“Abolishing slavery.”

And…

“Slaying vampires.”

Very good.

Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7

I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.

*I’ll show myself out*

Me: did I pass?

Driving instructor: *swimming away* no

Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.

My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.

RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers

my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers

Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.

*drops something sharp*

Brain: catch it with your foot

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

me: can we go to the steakhouse?

him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous

Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”

Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.

As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.

I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return

told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”

Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.

Hb: is there any apple pie left?

Me: do you know me at all?

Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.

My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.