3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
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People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
I forgot how to panic. Help