Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.

I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.

Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?

Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan

BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?

FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it

Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err

[first day in prison]

ME: so whatcha in for?

HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions

ME: how many is too many?

HUGE CELLMATE: one

ME: oh no

*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now

Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip

I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.

wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time

[later]

hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out

Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.

Me: but I’m infested.

Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.

HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot

*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”

My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.

Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.

[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?

There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.

*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*

[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!

“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.

Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle

Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT

I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore

Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.

Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy

Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings

Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.

What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare

When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.

I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair