JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
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“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
when there are deer in the woods
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
I have a new favorite meme page
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
very niche meme I made
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go