@CareEg33

3 ways to get a jammed ring off your finger:

1) Butter
2) Windex
3) Divorce

You Might Also Like

@howe007

When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.

@cartercartilage

no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls

@LousyLibrarian

Literally all I do as a librarian:

It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.

@GarryShandling

If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: do you work well under pressure?

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: well?

Me: Jesus Christ man, I’m thinking

@Playing_Dad

Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad

@Fickle_Filly

If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.

@DirtMcTurd

when someone pisses you off start counting down from 10. When you get to 8 punch them in the throat, they will never expect it.

@kristiffy

Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.

@Just__J0

My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.