When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
3 ways to get a jammed ring off your finger:
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no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Interviewer: do you work well under pressure?
Me: Jesus Christ man, I’m thinking
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
when someone pisses you off start counting down from 10. When you get to 8 punch them in the throat, they will never expect it.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.