Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.

Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.

Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.

*others back away*

HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL

I just stabbed a pin in my arm.

Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’

can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?

Pizza is an emotion right?

Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.

5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!

Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’

It was a house fire.

The photographer’s assistant

[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo

Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?

Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.

Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad

The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?

Me: no, I’m Dad

My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day

– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!

My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.

No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you

I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.

Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.

Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.

Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you

Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?

Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.

Me: [also now staring at the floor]

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*

Him: *puts bacon in the oven*

Me: You win

OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.

🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶

Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.

I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.

I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”

Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.

dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven