Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful

Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.

I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”

I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up

I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.

Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret

HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?

ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything

Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*

Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.

Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.

Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.

It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him

I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.

1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*

Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.

Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.

i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers

You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?

~my favorite guy at the bar.

Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too

We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~ The Disclaimers.

“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.

friend: make her feel wanted

me: okay

[later]

me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target

Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:

1) Death

2) The Pythagorean Theorem

You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums

“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”

That sucks. What’s he like?

“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”

But what’s his personality-

“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”

How’s his personali-

“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”

Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow

Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy

My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.

At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.

[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?