Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?

Me: Roast Chicken.

HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?

Me: yes, a roast chicken.

Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.

Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺

I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.

paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha

Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?

Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.

Me: What do you mean just pick something??

Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole

him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha

[later]

me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper

Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.

[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”

Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak

Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.

the way he checked his surroundings 😭

Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.

Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard

What do you text your spouse?

If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.

Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent

My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like

– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!

Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

*sends epic tweet*

[no likes 3 hours later]

*waits 2 weeks, sends again*

[no likes 1 day later]

*starts typing*

NSA: dude, let it go

ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.

MY BRAIN:

[First ever date]

ME: I just didn’t feel a spark

CAVEWOMAN: a what?

Her: She’s too young for you.

Me: Based on what?

Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..

Me: