Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.

People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.

I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.

Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.

My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.

Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.

Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-

Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?

Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.

Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school

what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???

“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.

Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.

Body: here’s another chin

To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere

Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”

If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way

I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack

I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.

Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.

Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease

Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.

Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*

Me *giddy* I take their breath away!

*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?

me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive

interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?

me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else

The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.

Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.

[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind

the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday

his funfair is next Friday