Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30

I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”

Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.

Owl Sanctuary

When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”

i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.

[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t

*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw

How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?

The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat

My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?

Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.

[first day as an undercover cop]

mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan

me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]

Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]

HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.

me: psst, wanna see a dead body

nurse at my first surgery: no

MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol

I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant

If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers

Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.

My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:

“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”

“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”

“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”

I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.

Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”

High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years

There are 2 kinds of parents

“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”

and

“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”

My grandma sailed on the Titanic.

She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”

The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.

@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck

I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.

I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.

I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.