3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
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To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.