3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
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Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.