3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
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A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef