Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂

I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!

Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.

Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.

1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.

eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us

Me: *stomach rumbling*

8: Why is your tummy making those noises?

M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive

Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.

Wife: sum.

Me: human parts; four letters.

Wife: body.

Me: upon a time; four letters.

Wife: once.

Me: to pay; four letters.

Wife: toll.

Me: 90’s slang; three letters.

Wife: duh.

Me: refer to myself; two letters.

Wife: me.

I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.

If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally

QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:

1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.

Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.

Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.

Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end

It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third

99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her

DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does

{bedazzling my new tee shirt}

DO NOT RESUSCITATE

How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?

Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.

My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.

Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:

Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer

LEGO Chewables

Nicotine Patch Dolls

Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House

Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away

[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]

Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck

I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.

love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime

*herpes

publisher: tell me all about it

orwell: it’s about a farm

publisher: sounds good

orwell: with animals

publisher: naturally

orwell: and they’re fascists

publisher: of course

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

Wordle 241 1/6

🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!