Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire

{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?

Never be a pizza!

3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off

I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.

I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.

mumsnet is amazing

If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.

“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”

-my daughter describing her video game

Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101

Fun Fact:

If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing

Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped

I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.

If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer

You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.

Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.

I’m really happy being single

Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!

Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.

“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.

No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.

My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.

If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse

In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.

“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”

dad: what should we name him

mom: something beautiful

dad: something unique

mom: any ideas

dad: matt

mom: ok

Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…

I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”

*opens present

HER: What is this?

ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.

HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?

I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality