Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.

You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums

“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars

Wife: the baby needs changing

Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her

MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket

[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”

millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.

mission: save the cat

obstacles: the cat

This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.

*dresses like a kitty*

*climbs tree*

*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about

A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.

I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler

[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”

[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?

[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”

Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.

May I pay you handsomely, good sir?

-Why yes you may.

*opens wallet*

*pulls out Ryan Gosling*

My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun

I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.

If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.

#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones

Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.

Husband: On it!

Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.

Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]

Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast

Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!

Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?

Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.

Her: I forgot. I already ate.

she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds

A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience

Every family has a crazy aunt.

Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.

A curse:

May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.