3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
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the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle