Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!

Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?

Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.

john wicks are toilet candles

If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?

Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything

Save a reindeer.

Ride a Canadian.

What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool

I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college

[arrested in 1985]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news

[arrested in 2018]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it

(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that

Tell us a scary story!

Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil

*puts wedding tape in VCR

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.

Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second

Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?

Batman: Sidekick

Robin: Close enough

children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat

Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?

I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.

Wait.

Two. I have 2 kids.

What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?

ME: I like nerdy girls.

HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?

ME: Yes. Exactly like that.

we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy

On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.

I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.

Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?

thank god

Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.

AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:

devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday

good cop: you do not have to talk to us

bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup

“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.

They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….