Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!

seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!

gf:

seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!

[Mom group]

New mom: My six-month-old is teething.

My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.

It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’

we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes

Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.

If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all

horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?

deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day

A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza

#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?

ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.

THERAPIST: Who?

ME: *points at myself* This idiot.

Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.

Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.

My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention

Wife: no it’s your birthday

Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.

An egg looks at another egg and says:

“Why are you so hairy?”

“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”

#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.

Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?

I’d pay extra for that one.

Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace

Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.

Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene

Me: how??

[Earlier]

Me: better floss before drowning this guy

I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.

That.

Whoa, whoa whoa…

I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.

taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake

me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what

wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.