Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.

WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect

Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit

Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.

Student: that’s impossible

Me: I assure you, it’s not

[at my intervention]

mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet

So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?

I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.

My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.

Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.

Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.

I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts

Spice up grocery lists for your partner:

Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea

Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.

My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke

Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.

If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.

Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.

Nurse: “This may hurt.”

Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”

wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous

*demon enters my body

*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist

Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.

Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!

Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.

I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.

ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?

BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else

sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica

When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.