Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog just puked on the floor.

5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!

Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.

Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”

I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.

So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.

“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”

I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.

As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”

Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.

(Final maths exam)

Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.

If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*

Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.

A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.

Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed

No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.

Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.

Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP

me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..

movie exec: i’m not sure that..

me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park

movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..

A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear

Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!

[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers

Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.

[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]

Okay. Weigh me now