Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*regional mathematics tryouts*

Judge: what is 2+2?

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.

At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.

my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’

Gas stations be like:

Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.

Mother: We named you after my father

Me: Yeah, I understand how time works

Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.

Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick

Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.

I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless

ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]

MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing

Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother

You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.

[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—

oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶

me: aaaah… darn. darn it.

The Terminator: I need your clothes

Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull

The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work

Me: *holding up a leg* PULL

The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.

Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*

Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.

smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.

What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing

My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing

Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.

*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”

I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.

he asked “what are we?” i said we the best

I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.

When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”