Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.

I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma

People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.

“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…

Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*

If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,

where would you hide it?

My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.

ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho

I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need

PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]

In dog beers I’ve only had 2.

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?

9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.

The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.

Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you

Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.

Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.

5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.

My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.

Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.

Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.

In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.

I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.

Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?

4-year-old: I won.

I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…

I call it my jingle bell rock.

I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.

Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident

Me: say no more

[Later]

Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet

Dating tip:

If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.

I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.