3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
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My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.