@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*

Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?

Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.

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@russbengtson

The fact that Gunplay pulled a gun on his accountant doesn’t shock me nearly as much as the fact that Gunplay has an accountant.

@FilthyRichmond

Starbucks should have a separate line for people who don’t know what they want or how the world works.

@markedly

*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*

@jewfacekilla

MTVs Teen Mom has been cancelled. At least one person on that network knows when to pull out.

@pleatedjeans

[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD

@ClichedOut

Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.

@blaudiablogan

It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.

@petemandik

Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.

@CruisinSoozan

I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.

@robdelaney

The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.