3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*

Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?

Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.

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The fact that Gunplay pulled a gun on his accountant doesn’t shock me nearly as much as the fact that Gunplay has an accountant.


Starbucks should have a separate line for people who don’t know what they want or how the world works.


*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*


MTVs Teen Mom has been cancelled. At least one person on that network knows when to pull out.


[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo


Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.


It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.


Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.


I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.


The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.