Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.

Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?

-Asking for a friend.

My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”

[first day in Hell]

Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here

Devil: there is no escape

Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]

S M O L

[wedding day]

fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer

me: but he’s my best friend

[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]

Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one

I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.

On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.

introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home

[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS

I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔

So, I turned it into wine.

when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there

My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.

Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.

Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”

20-year-old: “What’s a check?”

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day

Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…

Me: No

when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma

How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.

I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.

-me, about to break the dryer

Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins

Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!

“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.

therapist: so what’s troubling you?

me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate

therapist: and how does that make you feel?

me: fine

Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy