Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it

FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”

1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.

-mental notes I take watching crime tv.

Body: time to sleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”

I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?

“eat what’s in season” the health people said

Me:

At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.

Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.

British people: Unicycle

American people: Collegecycle

Whoa… oh I see lol

Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.

I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣

unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish

Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.

DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL

therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar

Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.

Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl

My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her

Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.

This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total

“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?

I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.

[run into an old classmate]

Them: You’ve gained a little weight.

Me: You’ve stayed ugly.

I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon

Amazon review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”

My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.

Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.

i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit