Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
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People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
did it work
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
see you in hell you stupid fruit
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time