3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
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He’s cranky this morning
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Oh, I bet you would be
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat