3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
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“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”
im gay on my mothers side
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.