Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.

Pro debating tip:

Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.

I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”

Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year

Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini

So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.

I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.

me: for lent i’m giving up kids

kids: what?

me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God

I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband

I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.

Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks

Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….

It means we used to be.

PSA:

Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.

Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.

Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee

You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud

[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]

{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5

They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.

☺️

[ First day as a bartender ]

Me: *unzips customers pants*

Him: wtf!?

Me: you said make it stiff

Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check

To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.

“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”

*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*

I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried

Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”