Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.

I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.

Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?

Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing

HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.

What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?

Asgard.

If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”

My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself

[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?

Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house

exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out

Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?

Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.

“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”

Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.

Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap

“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries

(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.

[NASCAR Press Conference]

REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?

DRIVER: Fast circles

Pandas 🐼🖤

Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.

Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

2020: Haha you have no idea.

Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this

I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”

My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.

[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper

Genie: I shall grant you three wis-

Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me

Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…

People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!