Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*

a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.

My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL

I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.

I said, “Ok, what do you want?”

She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”

“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.

my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers

Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.

Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.

I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.

*goes outside*

*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*

*regrets today’s choice of underwear*

Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.

Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.

48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.

“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”

I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops

My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.

I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits

I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.

why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait

[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah

Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*

DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?

Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

me: omg why are you so obsessed with me

cop: because you ran over 4 people back there

– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?

Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*

Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss

Me: please don’t; it’ll get better

Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-

Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison

Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”

On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.

If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.