Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.

“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”

Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.

Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.

Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.

The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.

pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet

guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*

When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.

Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”

Service is way better.

Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.

Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes

Me: So what?

K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts

M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out

Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.

Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies

Taco Bell, Exit 22

I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.

95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.

So true for me

Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.

the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*

Han Solo: Who are you?

Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.

*hops in time machine*

him: where ya going?

me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW

So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?

Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.

I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.

Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Ffs

Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice