3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
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#Caturday
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
technique
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”