3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
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My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?