Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful

Me: They are going to pay for saying that

Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.

We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂

Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.

wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost

marriage counselor: what. where is he

wife: he’s probably trying to come in…

[sound of someone running straight into the door]

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.

Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.

Me, losing my shit:

Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!

Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card

I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿

I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.

Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”

Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means

(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)

A man of commitment.

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how

I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.

A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.

The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.

This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.

ME: Whatcha doin?

WIFE: Watchin Dune.

ME: I asked you first, Sharon.

A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.

Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?

AI: 17.

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce

My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.

a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.