Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.

[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit

I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.

the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free

how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did

In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house

I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.

So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.

Seems legit

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”

We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji

Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.

Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”

People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀

Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.

oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review

how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms

*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks*

*wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*

My husband and I are very compatible.

He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.

Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.

Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.

“U got gum?”

“Give me some lotion”

“Hold my gun”

Her: You’ve changed.

Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.

Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

It’s the weekend y’all

Wife: we argue a lot about money

Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-

Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.

*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.

Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.