Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.

I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!

Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.

you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks

What in the hipster hell is going on here

*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird

How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit

Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.

Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.

*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well

*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually

Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.

Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!

Garage door is broken

When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]

Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off

Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?

Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!

Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?

– cannibal dinner party

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.

Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”

Arranged my own kidnapping.

Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.

I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is

Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?

Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.

*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*

Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.

[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter

TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better

Me at a wine tasting:

*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.