Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my first day as an art teacher]

“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”

(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)

You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.

Does laundry while drinking

*somehow washes a lampshade

Have you tried complaining about it for hours?

My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?

My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.

BIL: Which one is the black one?

10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*

It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans

I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists

Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.

Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?

Date:

Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her

Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?

You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.

Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them

‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans

I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone

I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.

Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.

Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.

Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.

Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister

Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.

Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.

This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now

High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.

Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?

Me: Four-

Dr: okay

Me: -teen

Dr:

Me: -ish.

toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking

Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.

Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.