Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.

I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

health insurance agent: and do you smoke?

me: *winking* only after sex

hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke

getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.

By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”

the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline

Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.

Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS

The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.

One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.

I got soap in my shower beer again.

Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.

I dunno why but this feels like a trap

This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.

Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.

If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?

I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.

If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.

There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.

Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.

“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.

Detective: one of you is the murderer

The actual murderer: *remains calm*

Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*

Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue

This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.

All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today

Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.

Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”

Women’s magazines:

Page 5: accept yourself for who you are

Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week

Page 12: best cake recipe

I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.

I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.