Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there

How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.

Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running

I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.

It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.

Me: Do you have homework?

11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?

live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm

Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one

The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash

job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?

me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead

Ways in which I’m like a bus:

– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells

My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.

#lunchpun

My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.

Draw me like one of your French Fries.

Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.

[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]

Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.

Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out

Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.

Thanks. It’s my face. lol

Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–

Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.

Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!

– Incinerational Tweet

My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.

My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”

Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.

i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell

The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.

Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.

[During sex]

Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*

Him: Ok… Wanna role play?

Me: Sure, you’re a musician

Him: Oooh! Which one?!

Me: Bono

Him: Why Bono?

Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.