Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.

I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s

Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.

*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you

Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”

If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.

I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.

She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”

Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.

🤣😈🤣

Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*

Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?

Date: no I meant

Me: but the left lung only has two!

Date: not like th— wait, really?

Me: What did you learn about at school?

10-year-old: States.

Me: What did you learn about them?

10: That there’s too many.

“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”

Wife: You put the wrong date on this.

Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.

Wife: You wrote 1992.

merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king

arthur: oh, this sword?

merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?

arthur: table

merlin: what?

arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle

I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband

Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?

I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.

[creating eyelashes]

God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.

Angel: Alright.

God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.

Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”

new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby

friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop

Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to

friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha

Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that

hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie

That’s classic.

The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.

Mom: why do you drink so much

Me: *stares at mom*

Me: my tooth hurts when I suck

Dentist: so you’re in constant pain

I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.