3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
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My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
