3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
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Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.
“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”
“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.
g
a
r
d
e
n
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?