3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
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Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
*puts words between two asterisks*