3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
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[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
It’s my emotional support 16 unwashed coffee cups in the sink
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Ah yes. The three genders
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
my professor scared me for a second
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots