Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.

At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.

BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES

I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.

Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me

Judge: way past that

My worst case scenarios:

•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.

If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten

Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

I hate everything

I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps

You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.

Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”

You need to slow your roll there survey.

*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*

Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.

Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”

5 “Trying to pull it out.”

Me “That’s going to hurt.”

5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”

I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!

getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house

FUN PRANK:

Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say

“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”

Then watch how mad he gets.

colleague: do u like the clown from IT?

me: nah he never fixes my computer

There are 2 kinds of twitter.

People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.

Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.

he’ll never suspect a thing

Who hurt you ?

Me: Monday.

The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.

Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.

Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.

Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.