3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.

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[during sex]

Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.


Guys who say there’s a party in their pants are probably referring to search parties.


[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.


If attacked by a bear play dead. If that doesn’t work play “Tiny Dancer”. Bears love that song.


Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating


Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.


I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.


[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy