Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck

[sexting]

Her: Are you naked?

Me (taking a shit): Yes

My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.

Her: Well, I know I told you that.

Me: *closes eyes*

Her: What are you doing?

Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.

My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!

I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation

When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?

Good times.

judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands

Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.

Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc

Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.

Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.

Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]

I SCREAM

YOU SCREAM

WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!

It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.

Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG

-me watching a toddler put shoes on

I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese

ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]

WAITER: please stop touching me

Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat

[HR office]

HR: you know why you’re here, right?

Me:

HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it

My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.

[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.

When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.

The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.