Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.

Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.

Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.

Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong

Judge: Approach the bench.

Cat Lawyer:

Judge: pspspsps

Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌

Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh

Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.

“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs

3yo: When will I die?

me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.

3yo: Who is going to kill me?

UMMM, what?

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.

*sewing*

A thread

Flock of geese

Murder of crows

Mistake of beers

Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!

Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!

we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator

My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…

I don’t know what he said after that.😑

[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.

I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”

“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.

[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]

Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.

therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.