Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?

I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again

The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.

is this how new cars are made??

(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.

My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.

Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.

Anyway he’s dead now.

Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.

1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].

Wife: omg he just took his first steps!

Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.

I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.

2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs

Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.

[Death row]

Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.

I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight

People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole

The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.

Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Who Keeps Pooping In My Driveway At Midnight I Know It’s A Person I Know What Human Poop Looks Like But Who Would Do That And Why Why The Driveway Exactly Plus Each Time They Poop A Little Further Than My Hose Will Reach So It’s Harder to Clean

I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from

Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is

I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.

Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.

Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…

Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]

…EXACTLY.

Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”

Her:

*Gets left on read for hours*

Me: “I’m never talking to them again”

Them: *Finally replies*

Me:

then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing

My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.

My wife during our sexy time does not.

Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.

I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.

if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married