[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
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I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Can. I. Help. You.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”