[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
You Might Also Like
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.