3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
You Might Also Like
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
