Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.

Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb

A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.

*swipes right by accident*

Him: You’re not really my type.

Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.

[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS

I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.

Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.

Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”

Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.

i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of

“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo

You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.

This is my bus stop.

If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.

If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.

Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.

don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags

[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what

[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right

My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.

I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!

[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.

[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.

Me: “Take me to your leader!”

60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*

New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?

Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year

Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.