3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”
Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”
3 yr old: starts sobbing.
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Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol