Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them

I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers

Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.

SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN

Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit

Me: pass me that cup

Kid: *gives me cup*

Me: I didn’t say simon says haha

[Later]

Me: PASS… MY… INHALER

Kid: not falling for that again

Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character

Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather

if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time

*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom

Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute

Me: She’s my…. Thank you

The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.

Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.

[later]

Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?

My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!

Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.

him: you’re an perfect 10.

me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—

shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.

I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.

* overheard at the bar *

Becky: so what do you do?

Him: I’m a beekeeper

Ecky: you astard!!!!

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.

Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.

[later]

Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: here? with you?

IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”

Hear me out…

A leaf blower, but for people.

Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading

I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.

The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.

“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”

“Why not?”

[fakes a sore throat]

“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”

HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump

ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen

While on a family road trip

My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?

Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking

My Kid: How about at the next stop light?

Me: sure…

Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination