30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
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Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Hmm, not sure about this change
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.