30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
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Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Worlds greatest photobomb
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
PLOT TWIST:
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.