30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
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These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on
sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.